My world changed on January 23, 2014 when I lost an
important person in my life. Since then, some days have been hard to endure. I
have been told that time heals the wounded soul and, some days, that seems true.
I guess this month has been difficult because her birthday is next week. My
grandmother would have been 91 years old.
The “Grandma” Name
For starters, she’s technically my great-grandmother.
However, she raised my mom as a daughter since the time my mom was a baby, so
to me and my siblings, she is our grandmother. Many grandchildren christen their
grandmothers with names like Mimi, Nana, Gran, or Granny. To me,
she always has been Gagie. To me, no
other name exists; that’s just who she is. I gave her that name. It was a
misunderstanding at the time. She helped out a friend named Gaga a lot when I
was a baby and there were times I wanted to see her. My mom would tell me, “She
can’t come right now; she’s at Gaga’s house.” That’s why I started calling her Gagie.
The Girl on Fire
My Gagie was an amazing person. She was a fiery child – I
guess that explained her red hair! She was tough; the original “Girl on Fire.”
She used to tell me how she used to run and buck her father whenever he laid
hands on her mother. She said her dad nicknamed her “Buck” for that reason. She
never liked her father.
As a child, she stood up for her siblings. She once
beat up a boy because he bullied her older brother. She also wasn’t afraid to
kick boys in their jewels if they did something to insult her integrity as a
young lady.
As a child, her mother was her whole heart. She watched as
her mother struggled to care for a full house and follow orders from a man who
always mistreated his wife. Gagie’s whole world changed when her mom died from
cancer, leaving her to endure her childhood and teen years alone with a very
mean father. As a teenager, she occasionally stayed with older sisters, and
eventually she agreed to marry a close friend. Her friend would become our “Pa
Slim.”
The Heart of the Family?
Like any marriage, my Gagie and Pa Slim had their ups and
downs. Within it though came my Granny Libby and Uncle Dewitt and, eventually,
my mom (unofficially adopting her). I admire how they both had strong
personalities, especially when it dealt with standing up for the family.
A lot
of old stories like to center around Pa Slim being the heart of the family
while Gagie stood by him as second. But then there are stories told of how she
fought a dangerous hog that had my cousin by the leg; and how she held onto my
mom when my mom was run over by a speeding car, and I think, “Wow, what a
strong woman!” I also think that about how she dealt with the loss of Pa Slim
to cancer and had to learn how to make it on her own.
She was Responsible
Several years later, I was born. She was always a part of
my life. I never wanted to leave her side. She was my protector. If my parents
fought, I would turn to her for comfort. When my dad left, I really didn’t care
because I had her. Sometimes that
made my mom jealous, but that’s just how it was.
Gagie was responsible for me knowing God. She took me to
church. That’s why I’ve felt like I’ve always known God and believe in Jesus.
She did that! She made Him a part of my life, and she never made me forget that
I was His child.
Picking Peas and Beans
Growing up, if I stayed with her during the summer, Gagie
would wake me up early and pack snacks and travel to the field to pick peas and
beans. It would be so early in the morning that I would stay in the car and
sleep until daylight. I would wake up and walk to where she was and notice her
on a white bucket. She was an expert at picking vegetables in the field. In no
time, she would have three or four buckets full of whatever she was picking. She
also had a unique way of using the current bucket as both a seat to sit on and
a container to dump the peas in – all without having to get up until it was time
to get a new bucket. Gagie also taught me how to catch a chicken and make him
my dinner! She also took me fishing!
Home
Trips to Georgia
were always special because I always loved going to her house. Just as we would
approach her house, my siblings and I would take off our seat belts and prepare
to jump out of the car and race to be the first one to hug her. She always knew
when to expect us (this was still before cell phones were widely used).
She
would always be there waiting for us on her front porch. Then, she would say,
“If you’re ready, I have food on the table.”
And, of course, her house was
always the meet-up spot – relatives would hear that we had arrived and soon her
yard would be full of a variety of vehicles.
Battling the Storms
In 2001, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. They gave
her a mastectomy and several treatments of chemotherapy and radiation. During
this time, she fought a deep depression. My mom and I were her biggest allies,
caring for her in her weakest moments. I guess this was when I started becoming
her protector. She told me that before her surgery, she prayed for God to not
let her die yet…not until I could understand how to deal with it.
We battled many obstacles afterwards. Aside from the
depression, she battled through heart scares and strokes too. I have two
stuffed toys marking these times: a plush bear I got her after her mastectomy,
and a little plush girl (that reminded me of her) I gave her after the heart
catheterization. They later were given back to me when she gave up her home and
decided to stay with my family.
Even though she had to endure breast cancer, skin cancers,
depression, heart problems, strokes, and eventually Alzheimer symptoms, she
fought against feeling sorry for herself and chose to use these moments as
testimonies. She always seemed to find a stranger in town and would share how
God healed her from these dark times. It was through these moments that
her faith became the strongest I’ve ever seen. She never let a moment go that
she didn’t mention how God was present in her life.
My Biggest Supporter
Gagie was my biggest supporter on Earth. She was proud to
see me finish high school. She was proud to see me become the first in my
family to go to college. She was proud to see me become a teacher. She always
called me her “heart” and her “little darling.” Sometimes she would tell me,
“You’re like my child.” That made some in the family jealous though. Sometimes,
I felt like other family members resented me because I had earned that spot in
her heart. That didn’t mean she loved everyone less. She loved all members of
her family, even those who grew distant as the years grew on.
She believed in me. You could see it in her smile, and how
she looked at me. She believed I could become someone special, as long as I
worked hard and trusted in God to provide. She was always encouraging, and I
needed that, especially when I had others out there who were always
discouraging. She was my role model. She made me love God by showing me that
even though she loved me unconditionally, God’s love for me is even bigger and
more complete!
The Bumpy, Rocky Road
Just after her 90th birthday, last year, she started
getting sick. At first, it was stomach pains. She also slept a lot. Then one
morning in December she woke up and was very weak. Her speech was also jumbled.
She had had a stroke the previous night and didn’t realize it. The effects from
it affected her left side’s coordination. She was too weak to walk. My mom and
I helped care for her. (My mom is a superhero, especially in these moments.)
Sometimes, Gagie wouldn’t eat, so I was the main one in charge to see that she
did. I would make her coffee and she would sip it from a straw and say, “Mmm,
that’s good.” She loved coffee. Even though she was weak and tired, she always
found a moment to smile. She was surrounded by a family that loved her and
tried to make her better. Even my youngest brother would try to comfort her by
giving her one of his toys to keep her company while she lay in the hospital
bed at home.
Eventually, my youngest sister volunteered one of her toys too. I
tried to be strong during these moments but they were eating me on the inside.
I couldn’t lose her!
She got more tired as January approached. Hospice nurses
were involved day and night. Gagie would sleep most of the time. I knew what
was going to happen soon, so I worked extra hard writing sub plans for work and
gathering copies for the subs I would need. I was so tired. I hated January!
Saying Goodbye
A few days before she passed, I prepared my goodbye. We were told that even
though she was asleep, she could hear us – “Hearing is the last thing that
goes.” So, I decided to be honest in my goodbye. All week, I tried to hold it
all in and let the pain rip me on the inside. I knew I had to express how I
felt. So, I told her that I wished she didn’t have to die. I told her that I hate
that she’ll never get to see me get married, or dance at my wedding (like she
did at my brother’s), or see my firstborn child. I told her I wished she would
stay with me – that I didn’t want to be left alone. I needed her to be my hope and my defender.
Then, I remembered that this was how she felt when her mom
died. I remembered how she too had to be strong and live, no matter how much it
hurt to let go of her mom. So, I told Gagie that I would stay by her side until
the end. And, I did. I sat, and sometimes stood, next to her hospital bed. I
lost sleep. I got bruises and my ankles became swollen. I held onto her hand. Then,
on that Thursday night in January, I read her the Lord’s Prayer (her nighttime
prayer) and John 14:1-3 (as the Hospice nurse suggested). Others began singing
hymns…In minutes, she was gone. My Gagie was gone.
Living
I made several trips to Georgia since her passing and it
doesn’t feel the same anymore. What used to seem like going home isn’t anymore.
Every time I go, I’m reminded of how she’s gone. The heart of the family is
gone. Words and phrases from people saying, “You’ll see her again in Heaven”
and “It gets better with time,” don’t mean anything and only makes me angry.
What has helped is knowing that God is still with me. I’ve
learned to cherish several verses like “The
Lord will send His faithful love by day; His song will be with me in the night
(Psalms 42:8),” “I will not leave you or
forsake you (Joshua 1:5),” “Be strong
and courageous (Joshua 1:6),” and “Do
not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God.” Whenever
I’m sad and lonely, one of these will spring from memory and a peace is there
to comfort me. It is as though God is saying that even though He knows I’ve
lost someone extremely great, He is there to help me carry on.
Next Friday, Gagie should have been 91 years old. She
wasn’t a world leader, a queen, or anyone famous that others will always
remember. But hopefully, those close to her will continue to keep her in their
memory and pass on the legacy she built while on this earth. During her legacy
she: loved God, loved her friends and family, worked hard, and never wasted a
moment. In this world, grandmas are special guardians from God. I’m glad He
chose her to be mine during her time. Many people don’t realize how lucky they
are to have these special guardians in their life. Instead, they sometimes view
them as burdens and miss out on cherishing wonderful memories and lessons that
are left behind once they are gone. I was blessed to have my grandma in my
life.
1923 - 2014
“Do not pity the
dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.”
– Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the
Deathly Hallows.
