I'm going to have to literally force myself to spend some time writing my stories this summer. I may not have the best verbal communication skills, but I do know that writing is one of my callings. I just get concerned in the final processes when I should worry about the beginning.
Just the other day I decided to look through some of my old writings that I've kept in my file/folder and I once again had the same revelation that I had a while back. I was looking at stories I wrote in 3rd (?), 4th, and 5th grade, and they weren't that terrible - sure, they were weird and needed grammar help and a reality check at times, but they were still good. I guess my observing students in those same grade levels have made me realize that while I suffered in other academics, writing was always my stronger gift - mainly because I had such a big imagination.
And then I looked to the story that resurrected this gift. A few years ago, for a college assignment, I had to write a fictional story about a topic the teacher randomly gave me (the topic was related to another classmate's personal experience of having a miscarriage). While classmates told me I couldn't/shouldn't write about it (especially the female classmates), my teacher believed in me and thought that I could. And I did. It wasn't that great, but my professor was right when she wrote that I had a special gift of storytelling...
God gave me this gift, and it pains me to think that I have been wasting it on small writings just because I am afraid of starting fictional stories, because I see the ending and get scared of reaching that point from where I am right now. I get trumped down by thoughts such as "What if I'm terrible?" "What if the stories suck?" "What happens when I've finished and I reach a dead end?" It's those moments that mirror the same thoughts I have about teaching: "What if I'm terrible?" "What if I can't teach?" "What happens if I can't get recommendations from teachers?" "What if I suck as a teacher?" "What happens when I've finished school and I reach a dead end with no job hiring?"
It is those moments when I fail God in trusting in Him. Have I not known of His greatest? Have I not seen His work in my life? Have I not seen His presence throughout my academic journey? I have not had a lot of people, especially family, who have believed in me, in anything that I have striven to do...but I should not equate my Abba with those kind of people, because He has always been faithful to guide me on my path.
I need to be more than that small train in The Little Engine That Could. Instead of "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can," I need to be more like "I know I can, I know I can, I know I can."
The end.